Navigating This Season

[This is part one of a three part series.]

Maybe I’m just a biased, almost 20 year old college student, but none of these books or articles or websites or speakers on Christian singleness are really helping.

Last week, I found myself in the back of the library, sitting on a stepstool in the corner beside the “Devotional” section, hunched up and holding the book carefully so no who descended the stairs and rounded the corner could see the title. I held my breath whenever someone walked through the doorway to the stairs, hoping it wasn’t someone I knew. I spent an hour on that little stepstool (after I got my studying done, of course), reading books on chastity and singleness. It hasn’t been the easiest season of singleness recently, and I needed some kind of help that knew what it was talking about but wouldn’t judge and had time for me at 10:30 on a Sunday night. Enter the Christian experts shelved in my college’s library.

For the most part, I appreciated the comments. I found a good book by Lauren Winner, which I didn’t have time to read in its entirety. However, most of the books I located were published in the early 90’s (which isn’t surprising for my small college’s library), but I have a feeling things may have changed just a bit in the last 20 years.

Coming home for Christmas break, I found my huge collection of books I’ve loved, as well as those I just haven’t had time to read yet. In the want-to-read-but-haven’t-yet pile, I found many books, including the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (Harris) and “I Gave Dating a Chance” (Clark) dichotomy, as well as “Boundaries in Dating” and “Lady in Waiting,” not to mention my “Wild at Heart” and “Captivating” bookshelf back at school. So, why do I have all these books? Because the books from high school (like “Dateable”) aren’t cutting it for the college student I have become. Because if I’m honest with myself, marriage is no longer foreign and far away. Suddenly I find myself almost twenty and searching for a few answers.

Let me clue you in. This is what I’m looking at right now:

1. Being single, I can devote more of my time to ministry than to a boyfriend/husband/family (1 Corinthians 7:34)
2. This season of life can be used to plan for the next. There should be an enjoyment of this season with anticipation for the next season, but not a focus on it (Ecclesiastes 3).
3. The desire for dating and marriage is not inherently wrong, and I would do well to find a place to put it (more on that later) instead of stuffing it (Psalm 37:4, Song of Solomon).

That is what I believe. Yet, I find that many of the resources available and/or prized highly for Christian singles are not saying what we need to hear. Many of the Christian sources I found told me I just needed to be a stronger Christian or I needed to have more purity, and I would be okay until marriage. I heard the ever elusive “Don’t awaken love before its time” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4), but "love" has already been awake for a while. Let me give you another example: I gave away my copies of “Passion and Purity” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” because I was so upset at their messages. I got the impression that I should just sit here and wait for God to hang a flashing neon sign above the head of the guy I should marry. While that’s probably not what the authors were intending, that’s the message I got.

Elisabeth Elliot (author of Passion and Purity) praised the womanly virtue of patience, which seemed to me more like sitting here waiting for the guy God told we’re going get married finally come around to asking me. She admits in the book that her future husband (the first of three) even began “talking” to some girls at the college he attended while they were physically separated before their courtship began. I may be female, but I am not called to sit here in silence while he makes all the moves.

Note: I am not asserting any feminist tendencies here. This issue here is not about submission as a wife, but rather the concept that relationships take two people, not just a pursuing guy. Anyway, learning to submit to God, who loves me enough to die for me, has taught me some lessons that will be valuable in the future.

In the meantime, however, let me propose some places to “put” the desire for dating and marriage that I really feel neither our worldly culture nor our Christian culture has, for the most part, provided. I believe these places are healthy outlets and safe places for the Christian single.

• Friendships. Having healthy and positive relationships with both guys and girls has made singleness a good thing for me. We will need our friends before, during, and after dating relationships. And until that boyfriend becomes a fiancé, your girl friends come first any day. I would add that we need friends of both genders who are both single and taken, and we desperately need same-gender single friends to hold us accountable and provide support and encouragement (Ecclesiastes 4:12, Proverbs 27:17).

• College, Career, and Ministry. If one more person mentions going to college to her get MRS degree, I’m going to get really angry. Yes, it would be great to marry a guy who will graduate from such an awesome college as mine, but I have a life apart from marriage. I have a job I’m excited about and a future career into which I desire to invest. I have obligations here at college that I long to fulfill. Life is not about getting married and having kids, and although I desire that, I will not make it my aim. In addition, there are multiple ministry opportunities, places of service, jobs, and callings that are only available to single people, and we can minister in those capacities in our seasons of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:34).

• Preparation. I know I bashed many Christian singles books, but there are also some good ones. I would recommend “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud. In addition, people are usually better than books any day, so I would encourage you to go to other Christians, those who are single, dating, and married, and ask for advice and encouragement. A pastor once said that if you don’t start thinking and planning for marriage when you’re eighteen, it will probably be too late to start by the time you’re twenty-five. (Proverbs 16:9)

• God. “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Have we forgotten how much God loves us? He is wooing us like a patient lover. Before you get all up in arms about singleness, return to God. Let him love you. Now, loving God does not always mean that your longing for a guy or girl will be eliminated. I believe that if God has not called you to singleness, you will still yearn to get married. But God provides fulfillment until he opens the door for marriage. Like a good father, he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but he wants us to first be satisfied in him. (Psalm 37:4, Luke 11:13, 1 Samuel 8:4-9)

Finally, know that we were never meant to be alone and that the desires within you to date and get married are not wrong. They will never be wrong unless they take the place of God in your heart. Also know that loneliness is a possibility. I’ve felt so lonely at periods when I was surrounded by people. It takes a close Christian community and a growing relationship in Christ to combat loneliness. But never let loneliness force you into a relationship. Go into a relationship when there is a measure of wholeness, not out of your own brokenness.

Trust that God guides us on the best path (Psalm 32:8). After all of this, I still believe that God has a guy picked out for me, and me for him. And I believe that God knows what he’s doing when he works out circumstances and relationships the way he does.

After writing this entire post and going back over it multiple times over several days, one line from my devotional reading this morning really stuck out. It was about love being the true fellowship of two souls. I spent a while reading through 1 Corinthians 13 and I was convicted about the terrible job I’ve been doing at love. It’s easy to end a conversation with a friend with: “Bye, I love you!” But do I really love them?

I once heard a friend say that he felt like he had so much work to do on his heart and in his life before he could get married, because he didn’t think he was mature enough or Christ-like enough to love his wife and treat her right. When I heard that, I laughed, because I know we’ll never be “good enough” for anything, if that is our goal. But it started to make sense to me when I looked at what I could be doing so much better. Maybe God knows what he’s doing when he requires us to wait a seemingly long time for a romantic relationship. In our deep struggles connected with the opposite gender/love/families, there are issues we must work through on our own and there are issues we work through with our spouses. Maybe God’s “holding off” because I’m still working on me. Because He’s still working on me.

And that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. I still fall short, but God is in the process of restoring me. When his timing is right, a guy and I will end up running the race together and being perfected by God together. Jeramy Clark writes, “You’re running on your own, then one day you notice someone running next to you at the same pace and in the same direction. You can run together without hindrance because your course is the same."

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

P.S. I welcome any suggestions for books and articles on this or any other subject.

Fully Restored

In the past week or so, more than two people have told me, verbatim: “God is faithful.” None of these people know that since this past Easter, God’s been showing me that he’s faithful.

Somewhere along the line, I forgot that God was faithful. I started having doubts again. I was so fearful and uncertain and worried. Things happened in life that almost took away my joy. Surprisingly, as soon as I made the decision to stop fighting what God was doing and allow Him to keep working, joy and peace and hope instinctively took over.

It was like the difference between night and day. Suddenly, I noticed the birds singing in the trees, I noticed how blue the sky was, I marveled at the bright stars. God is faithful.

God is faithful to always be here. I felt so far from him the past few weeks, but he is still here and he has never left. I may feel far away because of circumstances or choices or a lack of a Christ-focused mindset, but God is here.

And God is faithful to redeem and restore us. He will not leave us in the broken state in which we find ourselves. He will not leave us in the sin wrapped around our wrists. Our goal should be to become more like Christ – and through this God is repairing those broken pieces. We will always have scars, but those are just reminders of what God has done in saving us.

I have begun to acknowledge this amazing hope and joy in my heart today, and as I do, the things that threaten it seem both more menacing and yet so small in comparison. I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. We cannot think positive thoughts about negative things by ourselves. It takes an amazing God. And yes, it hurts. Restoration hurts a ton, but it is so beautiful. We must let God into the darkest, deepest places and surrender that which he calls us to give up, and he will make us whole again.

On the day when we meet Christ Jesus, we will be fully restored. We are not there yet, but that is where we are moving. And that makes me so joyful. Because my God is faithful.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

– Philippians 4:8

Relationships... And Crazy People.

I struggled for a long time with how to introduce this post. On one hand, I am a die-hard introvert who struggles to make small talk and who has difficulty keeping up with lots of people. On the other, I love friends and community and challenges and deep dialogue. So, relationships are complicated for me, to put it simply.

This does not mean that they are not rewarding. The longer I’m at college, the more amazing relationships become. I mean, who would have thought that guy friends can be so cool? Or that the girls I shared a bathroom with would actually become young ladies I could cry with and laugh with. Or that a friend with a similar home situation would sob on my shoulder, and I on hers. Or that God would bless me with not one, but two awesome roommates. Or that a community would actually wrap their arms around me. I mean, really.

However, do not take this to mean that relationships are in any way easy. I mean, the fact that we have to work for them usually makes them as rewarding as they are. But they’re so difficult!

To paraphrase my friend who led Sunday School this morning, a relationship can be defined as a shared understanding between two people. This understanding involves expectations which we assume will be met by the other person. These expectations are 1) Care for each other (concern, acknowledgement, etc), as well as 2) Mutual intimacy through shared enjoyment of each other or a mutual interest, goal, principle, or activity. Basically, when either of the expectations are not met, there is a sudden rift and pain in the friendship. This pain is called shame.

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I want to focus specifically on a couple “pain” feelings I’ve dealt with recently.

For one, I recently got upset with my roommate. Long story short, I ended up washing three loads of dishes. I told a mutual friend that I was not going to wash the dishes and that I was leaving them for my roommate, but in the end I just couldn’t leave them. It was not my job to wash these dishes, I didn’t use them and they weren’t mine, but I washed them anyway. Why?

In the past, I have succumbed, I guess, to other people’s wishes. I blamed myself when things went wrong. I did more than my share of the group project. I drove to events or church or school even when I didn’t want to. I felt sick when there were confrontations or arguments between two other people around me. While I was washing the dishes tonight, I realized I was beating up myself. I kept saying “I should have made her wash the dishes. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave a pile. But what would Jesus do? Isn’t it right to lay down what I want for someone else? I know this isn’t the first time this has happened, but I’m a compassionate, forgiving person. Why, so I can let this happen again?” It was ridiculous. All that said, I washed the dishes.

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Secondly, an issue we talked about this morning is what I like to term “soul-disclosure.” It’s the act of disclosing not only information about yourself, but also the deeper things. When you meet someone and you talk about where you’re from, your family, what you do, that sort of stuff is self-disclosure. When you start talking about God, your testimony, your hopes and dreams, your doubts and fears, your wounds and compromises, and boundaries, things have shifted from self-disclosure to soul-disclosure.

From personal experience, I would say that all close relationships with our Christian brothers and sisters should be at a level of soul-disclosure, but the level of depth is up to you. A relationship of mine suffered and the friendship ended several weeks ago because there was a miscommunication about the expectations involved. You must be careful with soul-disclosure, because this is intimate stuff. The fear is that if we reveal a certain aspect of our souls, we will be rejected. That is why soul-disclosure must only be given when trust has been established. And even then, hurt can still happen.

This is where my pain comes from. With regards to soul-disclosure, the perfectly normal and good expectation was not met, and I experienced shame. It’s why I feel like I’m too much or not enough. And I’m still dealing with it – it doesn’t go away immediately by itself. But God is good. Because through this, he is refining me like gold through fire. He’s teaching me how to let him love me. But more on that later.

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In closing, I believe that we need each other. Greatly. The Christian community is so essential for the Christian. If for no other reason, go to church for the people.

With that said, I would invite you to make peace with Christian brothers or sisters you need to reconcile with. In the past few weeks, good friends have come to me and said, “I apologized to so-and-so” or “Hey, I got to talk with so-and-so” and it is amazing hearing their stories. The thing that has made life so much better for me the past year was forgiving my dad last March. So, if you’re waiting to make peace, here’s the encouragement.

I also encourage you to shake up the way you express love. For example, I often end conversations with “Love you!” or compliment a friend with “I love you!” While it’s wonderful to say that, and I am not lying, I feel as if few people really understand. I’ve decided I’m going to actually define “I love you” when I say it. This means that I’m going to be saying what I mean, however weird it sounds. “I enjoy spending time with you,” “I value your thoughts and feelings,” and “I’m here for you” are all ways to say “I love you” without the awkward connotations or confusion. It really clarifies what I actually feel. Now by all means, there is something significantly important to the words "I love you," but sometimes they need defining.

Finally, define love. And love the people around you. God's given them to you for a reason.

Strangely Dim

Just a thought I had tonight: When we’re looking into the eyes of Jesus, it’s a bit hard to get distracted by everything around us. His gaze is compelling and strong. As Helen Lemmel wrote,

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Do we believe that Christ is all we need? Do we run to him above all else? Do we find our satisfaction in him? Sometimes get so sidetracked by everything else going on that I forget why I’m even living this Christian life. I get so bombarded with the junk and the trials and the insignificant things that I lose sight of Jesus’s face. And what a scary place that is.

When we’re not looking at Jesus’s face, we are so easily distracted and so quickly beat down and discouraged. But God wants to encourage you and remind you of the great cloud of witnesses that is surrounding you. He wants to give you the strength to keep going and to press on even when things are rough, even when the problems and issues of life seem to weigh you down. He has great plans for you that are bigger than the circumstances around you right now.

My advice for the weary soul? Go and worship. Lift his name. And suddenly the “things of earth will grow strangely dim.”

After about 45 minutes of acoustic worship in the small chapel on campus, I joined a group of students, led by our campus pastor, as we walked to the waterfall on our campus. Thirty-four years ago today, there was a massive flood on our campus from that waterfall that destroyed all of campus and killed 39 people. But tonight, as we walked out to the falls along a path lined with votive candles and tiki torches, we saw the falls illuminated by and outlined in moonlight. It was gorgeous. We gathered to pray and I realized how insignificant my problems actually are compared to the greatness of God. We gazed up at the waterfall clothed in moonlight and stared up at the stars shining all too brightly upon us and we realized how great God is and how small our problems are.

And they grew strangely dim.