Fear

I felt it today.

Fear.

The fear that I wasn't good enough, that I was too shy, too young, too inexperienced, that I wasn't worth it. It consumed me. The fear that I wouldn't get a job.

And as I stripped from the confining layers of a cute outfit, the weight of fear shrouded over me.

I had an image, of myself, sitting in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar walls and unfamiliar floors, an empty, closed room, with my door closed to the world and those unfamiliar people who called themselves family. And they left for work, but I sat in that strange room, silent and alone.

And it was stupid. To think that way. But I did.

Fear.

And while it seems like I'm moving halfway across the world with no looking back, I'll only be 45 minutes from my old house. My old house. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave.

And I don't want anyone to know I don't want to go. I don't want anyone to know my

Fear.

Crying here over something wrecking my world. Wrecking my soul.

Fear.

Do I believe that you're my God / That you're all I need, That you're all I need?

("Yahweh", By: Tal and Acacia)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea... God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day... The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

(Psalm 46:1,2,5,7,10 NIV)

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders— he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin.

(Psalm 55:22, MSG)

It's not the places you go...

...but the people you know who make life worth it.

A girl who I know through a mutual organization, thought not personally, got married on Friday, which was also her birthday. She's my age, a high school senior. I looked at her wedding pictures, her gorgeous dress, her lovely cake, and the smiling face of her now-husband as he walked her to his car, and I wondered if I could get married my senior year of high school. I don't know this girl's situation firsthand, so I can't explain her early marriage.

After her 18th birthday in November, my grandmother married my grandfather in January 1965. She completed her last four months of high school as a married woman, living with my grandfather and his family to escape the abuse of her often drunk stepfather.

What about me? I mean, yeah, if I loved the guy and all, but really, I've got my whole life ahead of me! It really gets you thinking, though, about what would happen if things went differently. I really don't feel ready for a marriage yet. I barely know who I am, not to mention taking care of a husband and learning who he is. And, of course, with a husband comes children...!

Sometimes I'm glad I've never had a boyfriend in high school. One less thing to stress over and one more reason to wait a while before committing to anything. But there's always college! And there's plenty of time to get married in the future.
I'll wait on God's timing.

Poetry No. 3

And When I Said I Was Sorry

Okay, maybe I was overreacting a bit.
Maybe more than a bit.
But you know what,
We're good.


And when I said I was sorry,
in a whisper
in a crowd
by your side
late that night,

I meant it.


And when I said I was sorry,
to my empty car
a weekend after
my happiest time
and your forgotten moments,

I meant it.


~

Couldn't wait to get going...

...But wasn't quite ready to leave.

Don't you just love music? That quote is from the song "American Honey" by: Lady Antebellum. It tells a story of memories of a girl years ago who "innocent, pure, and sweet, like American Honey".
And on the topic of memories, today was my last official day of high school. Right now, I just want it to be over, but I know that come graduation, I will be crying. It's always depressing to leave behind the only ground you've had for 8+ years. Yet it's a joyous cause for celebration to move on in life, to grow as a person and encounter new things and make decisions for yourself.
So, yeah, I feel like I always couldn't wait to get going, but I'm still not ready to leave. Where did the time go? And why am I here? How did I end up at Shannon Forest, in this house, with this family, and these friends, and these relationships? How did I get here? How did I come this far?

Matchbox 20 sings, "Let's see how far we've come". Hebrews 13:14 says, "For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come."

Yeah, I've come this far. But why? Because I worked hard and made A's? Because I'm so awesome in everything I try? Haha, no.
Because the God who created me offered his Son to take away the penalty for my sins, so I could realize His free gift of salvation and heaven, and experience some earthly successes as well.
I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of Him.
Still, though, it's pretty awesome that I'm here at all. :)