I am secretly terrified of the unknown. I've written before about how I like to plan everything in advance. I like to know exactly what's going to happen. The first day of school, summer camps, school dances, performances or presentations... all were terrifying to me in school, for the main reason that I couldn't control them.
Recently, something has popped up in my life, as unexpectedly as a Facebook chat message pops up on my computer screen. Something that, by all appearances, was good and well-meaning and completely innocent. I struggled with understanding if I felt like I should pursue this subject in my life because God wanted me to, or because I wanted me to. I spent long times in prayer, talking with Christians I look up to, and debating what to do.
I've realized that I have put way too much stock in my plan. I wrongly believed it was "God's plan" that "my plan" should happen. And why shouldn't it? I mean, to any adult, it looks like I have my head on straight. It looks like I have an appropriate plan, and that people would be wise to have a similar plan. But I was uncompromising in my plan. Uncompromising to the point where I wasn't listening to God at all. Even if this thing God had for me was something I might actually enjoy.
Don't worry, I'm still very cautious about everything I do and about being a representative of Christ. But I've learned that I can't control everything. I cannot know the future or even the end result, but that's not a reason to hide and give up. It's a reason to joyfully embrace what God puts in my life and maintain a close connection to him.
Eric Ludy writes that he heard God asking him, "How seriously are you going to trust me, Eric?" And when I read that, I immediately thought about God asking me the same question. "How seriously are you going to trust me, Alex?" I felt convicted. And I realized that I must trust God with everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment