Oh, The Promises

I would never do you wrong or let you down or lead you on.

- Lifehouse

I will never cross the line. I won't tell you any lies. I was sent here for the rescue.

- Tyler Ward

A girl like you is impossible to find. ... Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep.

- Secondhand Serenade

I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you.

- Ben Rector

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.

- Anberlin (originally by The Cure)

They say that emotional arousal/attachment is the pornography of women. Romantic fantasies. Chick flicks. Yep. We get the twisted idea that all guys should be like that. We get all excited. Heart starts racing, mind starts inventing all kinds of things that were never there. Don't lie to me, you do it too.

I guess now is the time to confess my guilty pleasure... These songs. These promises sung oh-so-sweetly. Seriously, I know these songs are sung appropriately - mostly with pure intentions. One of the quotes I even took out of context to prove my point. But I like all of these songs. Some of them have played on my iTunes as I'm writing this.

Ladies, because our minds are filled with "images" of the perfect guy (or of what he says), we tend to attach song lyrics and movie lines and emotions to our boyfriends, interests, crushes, and guy friends. It could be disastrous, for a couple reasons.

1. He could be saying or doing those romantic things he does just to keep us and get us to do things for him (Guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love.)
2. We could be forcing what we want onto the relationship, thinking there's more going on than there actually is.

I will confess, I'm probably too cynical for my own good. I don't want to be hurt again. But it's really ridiculous that I'm always concerned a guy has ulterior motives. Yeah, I will admit: guys are stupid. (In reality, girls aren't that smart, either.) But, honestly - do guys really mean what they say? Or maybe the better question is: do they mean it the way girls think they mean it? I guess as girls we attach code to everything. Maybe to a guy "I enjoy talking with you" really just means "I enjoy talking with you," for goodness' sake!

Maybe we should all just listen to Foreign Language and call it a day?

Unfortunately, no. Haha. I'll tell you what I know. Please comment if you'd like to add anything.

• Guys like to promise great and outrageous things to the people they love.
• But, guys... The problem is that the girl will remember everything you tell her. Everything. And she will hold you to it, which means she's stuck to you. Bad idea. (Exception: The good news is that making a statement like that to your wife or long-term girlfriend can be good - you are offering her your strength. She will admire that. Do not fail her or she will kill you, though.)
• Girls, not only should you take care to guard your heart around guys (by not freely giving of it to be mishandled), you should also guard your heart around music or fashion or magazines or books or movies. Whatever floats your boat. Guard your heart around it. Be careful with it.
• Finally, ask God for strength. Guys, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the impressionable young ladies you interact with. You may need to be up front and honest about your plans for the future of the relationship. You may need to reevaluate the things you say to her. Girls, ask God to guide and direct your steps around the young men you interact with. Don't put more on them than they can handle. And don't rush what God's doing.

Finally, know that God's romance story for your life is so much better than anything Nicholas Sparks could have ever written.

Look How Pretty I Am Today

Last night, after eating dinner, my pastor, his family, three of my friends, and I walked outside together to look at a bird's nest and fix the broken swing set on the church's property. My pastor's younger daughter turned to me as we were walking outside and said to me, "Look how pretty I am today!". I began to respond with something like, "You are very pretty today," but before I could respond, she skipped away suddenly.

I smiled, but the implications of what she was asking me to do was painful. Not that a little girl shouldn't ask someone if she's pretty. But the fact that this little girl was asking me to prove to her that she is validated. She was asking me to remind her that she is lovely and beautiful and captivating. And, because I know her parents and I believe her father does answer her question (see Captivating), I think this little girl was mainly affirming to herself what she has been taught subconsciously since she was born - that she is beautiful and worth it. She knows she is lovely and she was simply telling me. She didn't wait for my response, but she ran up ahead of me to see the nest. Since she already knew someone believed in her, she had the courage to go for it.

This random little event makes me think of the women who have never been told they are beautiful, never been fought for, never been loved passionately, either romantically or otherwise. And my heart breaks for them. How many little girls, unlike my pastor's daughter, were never told they are lovely? How many twirled in little ballerina skirts in front of their dads, only to be told to go away or to please put on their pajamas (for the 16th time)? How many asked, "Don't I look beautiful?" to physically or emotionally absent parents who answered the question with a silent 'no'? How many asked, "Can't you see how lovely I am?' to abusive parents who answered with a resounding 'NO'?

But, you know what really hurts? That fact that thousands and millions of those little girls are now grown women, women living and working around us. Women are are us, women who are your sisters and friends and mothers and girlfriends. And they are hurting. My prayer and desire and work is that these hurting women would find God as the answer to their questions. That they would learn that God can answer the desire they have to be beautiful and lovely and captivating. Because he can.

Ask God to show you your worth and beauty. Ask God to show the women in your life their worth and beauty. And wake up in the morning with a smile, because God's beaming down, saying, "Look how pretty you are today, my daughter."

Q and A with God

Me: God, why am I still single?

God: Because you don't love me.

Me: What?! That's ridiculous. Of course I love you.

God: You philos me, but you do not agape me. You read a chapter of my Word in the morning, if you have time, you send up some little one sentence prayers if you remember someone who needs something, you tend to enjoy church more for the people and less for meeting with me, and you don't desire me.

Child, I long for you to be intimate with me, to want me, and to want to want me. You aren't passionately in love with your Creator, child. You find me burdensome often. Yeah, there are those moments where you rejoice in my presence. When things have been hard, and I bring you to the other side, you are amazed at my power as if you had never seen it before. My child, that is great, but I long for you to experience that all the time.

Child, when you see the sunrise or sunset, or the way the moon peaks out from behind the clouds, or hear a child laughing, or experience true love, child, revel in it. Don't say, "oh that's cool" and stuff that feeling that you are tiny compared to my greatness and giant plan for the world. This meta-narrative didn't have to include you, but it does. And everything is written in my book before it comes to pass. Everything.

Including where and with whom you would fall in love and get married and all of those wonderful things. But, daughter, listen to me. If you don't desire me and long for me above everything else in this world in you live in, you will take the first guy you can get your hands on and place him above me in your life. So, by keeping you single right now, I am protecting you. If only you realized that I doing this for your good!

And, my daughter, until you desire me with every fiber of your being before everything else, you will not have any healthy dating relationship. If you could take him or leave him for my sake, you are making great strides. Realize that that text message can wait, that Facebook notification isn't important. Come spend time with me. Come be in my presence; come lay back against me and breathe.

Doing It Alone (Part Two)

Yesterday, after finishing up a very long post about how I was never meant to go at life alone, I got a crazy idea to make breakfast for dinner for my little brother and me. I fried bacon (which could have been a little more crispy), made cheese grits, toast, and cereal. I was starting to get a little prideful, when all of a sudden a crack of thunder shook the house and knocked the power out. The rain outside the kitchen window was blinding. And I was home alone with a thirteen year old boy who was afraid of the dark.

Thanks, God.

Again, reminding me that I can't do it alone, my older stepbrother and his friend came home from the Fire department (where my stepbrother is a regular volunteer). Together, we found candles and lit them. My stepbrother got the oil lantern from our parents' room, lit it, and proceeded to give me instructions on how to use it (which was definitely humorous, considering he didn't know how to use it either). He made sure the kitchen, living room, and bathroom were adequately lit and asked if we needed anything. It was all very nonchalant and simple, but I appreciated it. They even taught my little brother some wrestling moves, just for fun. (I was just afraid they were going to knock down a candle and set the house on fire.) They stayed for a while before leaving again.

I can't do it alone. I would be lying if I said my stepbrother coming home to check on us and the house didn't make me feel any safer. And I felt even better when my mom came home about twenty-minutes later. It's weird to say, but I wasn't completely satisfied until my stepdad came home just a few minutes later. The funny thing is, right after he got home and found a flashlight, the power came back on.

There's something to be said for trusting other people. I've been rereading the Eldridge's book Captivating recently and it hits me hard every time I pick it up. This morning, I read about the two ways women try to deal with their wounds: becoming either dominating or desolate. The dominating woman hides behind everything she has to do. She becomes busy. She seems successful - she could be a CEO or chairman of the PTA or president of Key Club (sound familiar?). But inside, she's hurting. She's hiding. The desolate woman throws herself at men. She doesn't have a handle on who she is and often falls into abusive situations. She doesn't go for it; she doesn't go for anything. Inside, she's hurting, too. This is what women are told: "Hide your vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe."

We women are told that we aren't enough, and that we're too much, at the same time. And because of that, we tend to fall into two categories. Dominating or desolate. I see a little of myself in both. I get and stay busy. Last semester, I was stressed on multiple occasions (okay, pretty much every week). And that's the way I lived: one week at a time. Where was my time for rest? Where was my time to have fun with friends? To stay late and pray with someone? To open my heart to what God wanted to say? No, I had to be busy. I had to move from one thing to the next. I couldn't open my heart. I didn't have time.

Why?

For many reasons. One of which is that I think I can't trust people. It's easy to stay busy. To glance at a watch when things get too emotional or vulnerable and say, "I hate it, but I have to run." It's hard to trust. It's easy to run on a time schedule.

Being a woman is not being weak. It's being vulnerable. It's being humble. It's being gracefully strong. It's being gentle. It's being true. It's being adventurous. Somewhere along the line, I missed this. I decided to be busy. There's nothing alluring and inviting in a constantly busy and lonely woman. I use the word lonely because when you're constantly running, you're not relaxing in the company of friends.

Proverbs 11:16 says, "A woman of gentle grace gets respect..."

And I urge you to live in that place of gentle grace. It's beautiful. I'm learning to be real with people. It's taken 8 or 9 months to see that the people who really love me won't leave when I'm real with them. To confide in a friend pain I'm feeling, pain that is honest and raw and deep and messy, and for them to stay beside me and walk with me through it... That's the blessing that comes from being real with people. I'm learning how to do that. How to trust people. It's so hard! But it's so worth it. We were not meant to do this alone. We think we can. We think that since we were messed up and broken and lied to when we were little, people cannot be trusted anymore. So we put up walls. And one of my walls is busyness.

Sisters and brothers, I urge you. Go to God first. When your heart aches, go to Him before anything and anyone else. Give Him your ache. Let Him take it. Lay it at his feet and let Him pick you up and hold you in His arms.

And when He's held for you for longer than you think you need to be held, watch for the people He's placing in your life who will walk with you step-by-step through the healing. Yeah, healing takes time. Usually it's messier than anything you've seen before. But don't forget this one thing...

You were never meant to do this alone.