The last time (besides today) I had the chance to partake of the Lord's Supper was at a weekly Bible study / community of friends. We had been studying the movie "To Save a Life" and we were taking a break to spend some time learning about silence. The guy leading our study, a friend of mine, invited us to come forward when we were ready to take communion. He specifically said, "Do not come and take communion if you are not at peace with a fellow brother or sister or with God." Our worship leader played some songs on the guitar for a while, then stopped and let us soak in the silence. It was beautiful, but I was pained.
I left the room and sat outside. It was late February or early March, and still chilly, so I was freezing by the time I found a seat on the stairs outside. There weren't any words I could say to explain what I felt. But God listened. And the words from Romans about the Holy Spirit interceding for us with groans that cannot be expressed in words came rushing back to me.
A friend once told me that people become themselves when they enter college - intense versions of themselves. I believe that describes what's been going on with me. I feel like this whole last year, my first year of college, has been a very emotional time. I'm a nineteen year old girl - I am emotional. But it has almost felt like turmoil. So many things have happened, with guys, with friends, learning how to live away from my mom, figuring out how to manage my time, discovering that my relationship with God is my responsibility. I have been blessed with some incredible friends, specifically the girls on my hall, who have walked through these months with me every step of the way. I'm so grateful for them. They've helped me tremendously. But, why was everything that happened so emotional to me?
I'm emotional - obviously. But I'm also a thinker. On the Meyers-Briggs, I'm an INFJ. My I and J are very, very strong. I'm Introverted and Judging. Those two mostly go without saying. My N is not very strong. In fact, neither N nor S are expressed very readily in my personality. (Meaning, when it comes to iNtuitive and Sensing, I'm not dominate in any one category.) However, my F is just a little more strong than T, which means that I'm strong in both Feeling and Thinking.
All of that mumbo-jumbo to say, when something happens, I've realized I feel it first, then I think to get through it. The problem is that my feeling and thinking are so closely intertwined that I end up feeling what I'm thinking and thinking what I'm feeling... or something like that. Basically, when something is sketch, I question and ponder it mercilessly. It makes for a very emotional thought-life and a very tired brain and heart. I can't let go of something once I'm thinking about it and feeling it. It's like anxiety in my mind.
In explanation, that's what was happening that night in March. I couldn't let go of a struggle that I was facing in a relationship with a friend. I now consider this person a good friend and I'm very proud of where they are going in life, but it took dealing with that issue (and not taking communion until I had dealt with it) to move on. In fact, today, about an hour or two after taking communion at my grandma's church, I heard from this friend that God had answered a prayer - something a group of us had been praying about for a couple months now. And I was so excited. I felt like a sister, telling my friend congratulations for how God had provided.
I'm still struggling through some things. (As soon as you conquer one issue in life, another one lands on the table and you've got to deal with it.) But, and this is something I often miss, I try to deal with it alone. To be honest, God is not the first person I go to when I'm facing something difficult or even something joyous. Why? Well, first I feel it. Then I think about it and run through each scenario. And by that time, someone's asked me how I'm doing and I spill the beans on them. God is usually last on the list. I hate admitting that. I feel like I've failed. I feel like the God of the universe, my creator, my Savior, my lover and friend, who longs to hear me, who never tires of hearing my voice, should be the first person I cry out to in good or in bad. Don't I trust that God will provide? That God will tell me what to do (or better yet, what he is doing)? That he will use the Holy Spirit in my life to speak to me? To show me the path I should take? Don't I believe? Don't I realize that it's when walking along my own path that I fall? Proverbs says, "Do not lean on your own understanding." I'm ashamed, because I've been leaning on my own understanding and following what I think to be right all this time...
It's storming outside again. Thunder and lightning. Not as bad as the hail that attacked us two days ago, but still it's a storm. It's God... God, my powerful, Almighty King, the Lord of all, the Creator and sustainer of the universe, the lover that is jealously coveting my attention and affection ("Have you forgotten your first love?"). It's God. God, displaying his healing forgiveness, his pardon for my sins, his blood washing away my grievances against him, shown through the rain. It's God, my Savior, my protector, my Father, providing me with grace that he will never flood the earth again, seen in the rainbow after the storm. God is powerful, God deserves everything I am and everything I have, but God is also always full of forgiveness. He is angry, righteous anger, but his forgiveness and unfailing love just seem to bubble over, covering me. I cannot breathe when he pours out his love. He longs for me to be closer, to feel him, to lay back against him and feel his heartbeat. I'm terrified. (To get that close to the God who fashioned everything, both seen and unseen?) But, yet, God also created my heart. My feeling, thinking, fragile, but beautiful heart. He made it, with care. Doesn't he deserve it? All of it?
When God speaks to me, my heart hurts, my heartbeat starts pounding in my ears, and my vision clouds. Just as long as it takes him to speak to me. Today, in church, God said, "There's something bigger going on here than you." It made sense immediately. The here was the church building, but it was also the circumstance I was, of course, mercilessly pondering. It was my life. It was my narrow-minded opinion of the world. God has something bigger in mind. We can rarely see the big picture. (In fact, some time ago, I asked God to show me what he was doing. Bad idea, since I was afraid of what I saw. I decided it would better to leave those things to God.) Because, see, God is working out the details and the big picture. At the same time. And he has it under control.
What is God teaching me through this? A lot, since it's so wonderful to get it out onto paper and stop mulling it over. He's been, since Easter, showing me that he is faithful. That he doesn't leave and he doesn't change. That seriously gets me every time. He's also showing me and teaching me that peace is possible. I do not have to turn situations and circumstances and confusing encounters and relationships and ideas and feelings over and over in my mind. I can find a peace to fill my heart. I can find a peace to fill my mind.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7
I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.John 14:27
We take communion to remember Jesus. Let's actually remember him today. Jesus died so we could live victorious. Yes, we will face trials here on earth. But Jesus rose and defeated death. And one day, we will defeat death as well, living in heaven. Live life victorious today, not in fear or emotional turmoil. Come to him with everything you face and he will guard you with peace.
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