Regrets?

I remember reading through the last pages of a really old yearbook of mine. A girl who was graduating that year had purchased an ad in the "Community Connections" section and dedicated it to her younger brother. She put a couple pictures of them when they were younger and wrote a sweet little note about missing him when she went off to college. Towards the end she told him that she had no regrets about the way she had lived for the past 18 years, and she encouraged him to live with no regrets - to live passionately and whole-heartedly and whatnot.

Those words have haunted me for years.

I believe I was in middle school when that yearbook was published, and at the time, I was recovering from a rejection from my first real crush, an experience that no person ever really gets over, even though I can totally joke about it now. In my pre-teen mind, I wondered how in the world this graduating senior could have survived seven years of middle school and high school without any regrets at all. I had barely survived 7th and 8th grades, and I carried around a badge of "that girl who tried to get the bad-boy to like her" - no kidding.

There must be something in her past that she regrets, I thought. Something she's holding on to, but won't admit.

It's been a long time since I first read that yearbook ad, but I think I've finally realized what that girl was talking about.

There are two kinds of regrets: moments when we have not done something we wish we had and moments when we have done something we wish we had not. Regrets of doing too much and regrets of not doing enough. The difference is remarkable. Sydney Smith, an English Clergyman born in 1771 wrote,

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

By all means, I think he's right. Now, obviously, deciding to go to a drinking party or hang out in a dark, parked car with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you "might miss out" is not what it's talking about. But if it's something beneficial, go for it. Especially when it comes to something God is asking you to do. I don't think I'm the best example, but hey, if you want to go on the mission trip, or start the ministry, or write the book, or befriend the kid, or serve the homeless, or pray for something huge... Do it. Seriously. Someone once challenged me to live like God's answer is yes. If you're running after his heart and you get the feeling to do something, God will see you through. (Even if you "fail" by earthly standards, God's still going to do something awesome.) Don't regret those things you could have done.

To be honest, no one likes to go out and venture for something new and scary, because, honestly, no one wants to fail. There are so many guys who do not pursue or define relationships with girls they are interested in because they are afraid of failing. They are afraid they do not have what it takes (hearken back to Wild at Heart for a minute). There are so many college kids who go home on the weekends or stay in their dorm room all the time, because they are afraid of doing something new and fun and making new friends. By all means, start small. Even if it's eating at a new restaurant or doing your hair a different way. But don't limit yourself. Don't say, "I can't."

The other type of regrets is the type of which I am most afraid. It's doing something and then regretting that you did it. It happens most often when we speak and then realize we shouldn't have. Or when we make a mistake by reacting a certain way or making a certain decision and then wishing we could take it back. I struggled with this for a long time. For me, it felt like if I just stood still long enough, I wouldn't have to make any decisions, and then I'd be fine. But life is a lot of little decisions and some big ones, too... Do I go with him? Do I talk to her? Do I wear this?

The truth is that sometimes you never know if a choice is going to turn out "bad" or "good". And while we're on the subject, what makes something "bad" or good"? Yeah, a decision might have ruined something you considered worthwhile, but it happened. You can't take it back. And God's still working everything out even if you feel like you screwed up everything.

Many times, my kind of regrets stem from this issue: I feel like something happened that I did not want, but instead of stopping it when I had the chance, I wait and let it progress until things get worse, and then I blow up. This is a bad way to live. And then I'm stuck with the regret that I didn't say something when I could have.

You know what? I believe the girl who wrote that ad in the yearbook did have regrets. I know that she dated during high school and I know that she did a lot in high school, but could have done more. I know that she wasn't perfect. But I also know that she didn't let her regrets phase her. She could honestly say, "I'm not living with regrets." Because she wasn't. She had moved on. You can't change the past, but you can change the way you react, the way you act, the way you deal with today.

The cool part comes when you make an effort to move on and God shows you what you've learned because of what happened. Honestly, I can't regret those things because I discovered so much about myself and about people and about God. And I'm so ridiculously excited about moving on, about learning something more, about pursuing and being pursued by God.

A little less than a year ago, God told me he wanted to do great and wonderful things in me and through me before there was a guy in my life. He's still doing those things. In ways I never expected. Seriously, it's freaking awesome. :)

So, yeah, sometimes I think back on something recent or something from years past and I say "Man, that was stupid." Sometimes it really was stupid. Sometimes it takes a while to see that it really wasn't that stupid after all. Either way, I can't let it bother me. I can't be controlled by what happened.

The process for dealing with issues is simple: Name It, Deal With It, and Move On. Now, actually doing those is painful and takes a long time, but that's how it works. So, learn to deal with it and move on. Don't settle, don't ever compromise, and trust God. Because if anyone knows what they're doing, it's him.